Eyes Closed
by SaintVille
Summary: Kaitlyn Shepard is plagued by her own death. She lives in a nightmare that never seems to end. Her memories of the past are tainted by a figure with no face who shapes everything she used to be into something evil. Will anything bring back Commander Shepard? Or will she be consumed? **Set in Mass Effect 2. Updated as often as I can. Rated M for adult content and strong language**
1. Monsters

**Eyes Closed**  
a Mass Effect Fan Fiction

Prelude.

Running.

She was running in a dark forest, as though her life depended on it.  
Somewhere deep down, she knew there was no life here.

_Commander Shepard._

He could be heard all around her, like a loudspeaker wired into her brain. She saw him at every tree she passed, every rock she nearly stumbled over.

She couldn't believe this.

His voice did not match his face.

He had no face.

Keep running.

_So glad you could join us, Shepard. Please, TAKE A SEAT._

A fallen tree materialized under her feet, she tripped and fell hard onto the forest ground. These leaves on her face, the blood dripping from her lip; it all felt real.

_Shepard, Shepard… so clumsy for the savior of the known universe, aren't you? _

He was before her; feet visible and coming into better view as she rose. His neck twisted grotesquely, his head jarred like it was being yanked from its base and he focused the front of his head on her. She knew he did not have eyes, but they were once brown and she chose to focus on what she could remember.

Even his laugh was sickened by this place.

_Yes, Shepard, you know me. But I do not know you. What have you done? Why are you here?_

I died, she thought. She knew. She tried to speak, but found no words were ready to make meaning.

_What's the matter, Shep? Life got you by the tongue? Or did I? You remember, don't you? _

The sky brightened overhead, and she turned her gaze to the images playing above her.

"_I think about losing you, and I can't stand it. And the galaxy will just keep going, everything; even the Reapers will come around again. But you and I, we are important right now; this is what will never happen again. Shepard, you make me feel human."_

This memory was distorted, like his face. It looked wrong from what she remembered. She didn't want to watch this because it hurt her somewhere deep, but she couldn't look away.

"_I love you, Kaitlyn Shepard. You mean everything to me."_

Suddenly, hands were at her throat. The distorted face of the man before her was centimeters from hers, and it was not the same as she remembered.

_I love you, Commander Shepard._

He mocked himself, twisting his face at her. He jarred himself backwards, releasing her from his grip; it seemed he wasn't entirely in control of himself. He shook himself off, but she was running again.

_No use, Shepard. You live here with me now. And I love you, little Shepard. You will stay here with me, forever. Now let's have a swim._

His body hovered above the ground as he moved briskly alongside her; her pace was slowing, her feet were getting heavy and the ground was becoming dense and sticky. It began to rise to her knees, this sticky black tar surrounded her in every direction; trees were falling around her to its oppressive power. And she fell too, became covered in the filth. She tried to pull away, tried to reach up and grab something. Her mind began to panic, she felt cold; she felt dead. She pulled up from the muck and grasped this faceless man by his boot. He laughed, kicking her away like she was trash. She begged him to help her in her head. His head turned, and he motioned to what should've been an ear.

_What's the matter, little Shepard? Can't find that voice of yours, can you? You don't deserve to be saved. You made your sacrifice! You made your choice! So die with it._

It consumed her. It choked her when it forced its path into her airways, clogged her eyes and pulled them shut. She was a piece of this thick black ocean now. And she was never getting out.

"Wake up, Commander. Shepard, do you hear me? Get out of that bed now!"


	2. Eyes Open

**One**

"Commander Shepard,"

Miranda Lawson's impatient voice brought Commander Kaitlyn Shepard's attention back to the task at hand. She shook her head a little, running a hand over the top of her head, smoothing back her ponytail and dragging the end of it across her shoulder. She nodded to Miranda, allowing her to continue. Beside her, the Cerberus man; Shepard hadn't the memory to yet recall his name, shot her a sideways glance. Shepard made great effort not to react, his presence was borderline traumatic for her; he reminded her too much of something she'd rather forget.

"As I was saying, Commander, we have to begin assembling our team and I believe Omega is the best place to begin. We have three potential candidates there," she handed Shepard the board she was holding; the dossiers of the Omega prospects. It took Shepard a great strain to play along with this meeting; she flipped through the dossiers quickly and then over and over again even more quickly. Miranda yanked the board from her hand.

"The dossiers are for The Professor, The Veteran, and The Archangel," Miranda said, taking a deep breath afterward. It was often a struggle for her to keep her composure.

"So we've got a bookworm, and old man, and a reverend. All wonderful sounding teammates, let's get right on that," His name was Jacob. Shepard perked up a little; she'd remembered something without help. He was breathing heavy sarcasm, picking up the rifle he'd been interrupted cleaning and leaving the comm room.

"We'll be in Omega's orbit by tomorrow," Miranda said finally, gathering all of the things she'd brought in. She looked over to Shepard, stared at her awhile. Shepard just sat with her head down, looking at the ground and refusing to meet her gaze.

Mordin Solus, the Salarian scientist, had been of no difficulty for them to recruit. Miranda did all of the convincing, though after they saved his clinic and his partner from the vorcha, he hadn't needed much. And Zaeed Massani had practically waltzed aboard without any hesitation. This ship (Shepard guessed she could call it a Normandy) was beginning to feel full again. Shepard, however, still felt empty. Besides Joker and Dr. Chakwas, everyone here was a stranger. People she passed by saluted her, called her their Commander; but she did not know any of their names. They were faceless. Shepard spent all down time in her quarters, avoiding the nameless that haunted the ghostly halls. The Normandy, the real Normandy, had been destroyed two years ago by a Collector ship. Shepard had sacrificed her life to save her crew, or so she was told because she did not remember. One of the first things Shepard had done was to visit the crash site, where many had met their final resting place; where she had. To say it had been surreal would've been an understatement. To say it hadn't shaken her already fragile state of mind would be a lie.

She carefully shook her fiery curls from the tight ponytail she kept them in and laid back on her bed, letting the bluish glow of the aquarium in the wall wash over her hollow shell. The single fish floating between the panels in the big empty water might as well have been a mirror. Kaitlyn Shepard was lost. Alone. Forgotten. No, not forgotten. She had forgotten them. And they thought she was dead. For all she knew, they might be too. She sighed deeply, and the intake became a yawn. Sleep and soon after nightmares were surely to overtake her. In her final conscious moments, she wished that something, anything, would anchor her to this ship; to this life; before she was consumed.

The Archangel was holed up; fighting three bands of mercenaries he'd managed to piss off, royally._ Well_, Shepard thought to herself as they landed on the planet's sham of a docking bay, _they can't all be easy_.  
She was the first to hop off the shuttle, surveying Omega. Even a day after she'd just been here, the place already looked significantly worse for the wear. Behind her, Jacob and Zaeed stepped off; Shepard figured they were no more familiar to her than anyone else and Zaeed had been incredibly anxious to 'get back out and start killing'. They approached the shuttle they were scheduled to take to the place these gangs had Archangel cornered. Zaeed had convinced the mercenary recruiters that they were going to be vital to the cause, and it looked like the news hadn't reached their shuttle driver.

"You three are the ones I'm waiting for?" The Turian exclaimed as they approached. Shepard froze as though a Thresher Maw had popped up from the ground in front of them. She wished she was invisible, not to be acknowledged or doubted by strangers. It was hard enough for her to acknowledge herself. Zaeed stepped up, and shoved the Turian with a forearm against his shuttle.

"You are a member of the Blue Suns, eh, kid?" he said calmly. The Turian nodded, looking a bit fearful. Jacob stepped up, pulling a pistol.

"Your little gang wouldn't exist if I hadn't shed blood for it, you scaly bastard. And when we bring the Archangel's head on a sliver platter to your idiot boss, you'll eat your words and maybe some bullets too," Zaeed let him go, and dusted off the Turian's armor.

"Now, son, let's get moving. I ain't got all day."

They walked into a scene that would've turned a lesser man's stomach like a washing machine. Bodies of dead mercenaries lined the walls and the dying lined up in cots across the expanse of entire rooms. All the dead, Jacob had observed, had been the victims of clean shots in-between the eyes. It had been simple for Zaeed to sweet-talk them into the line-up for the next wave, mostly because volunteers were hard to come by; it was easy to see why. The one visible entrance to the two-story hideout was an extremely well-lit and sparsely covered bridge and the second-story housed a ledge perfect for picking off anyone who attempted to cross it. The small group of mercenaries pooled around the cover leading to the bridge resembled lambs awaiting a slaughter. The goal was to arrive on the other side with as few of them alive as possible, and attempt to blend in with the cause as much as possible.

"He's got no defense if you can get inside, so get inside," the mercenaries' commander was finishing up a pep-talk when they arrived. _No amount of encouragement is going to extend the lives of these people, _Shepard thought as she loaded her pistol. If Archangel didn't kill them, she would.

A fierce -swish- echoed through Shepard's eardrums as she ran, and a bullet pierced the helmet and skull of the mercenary behind her. This was a thrill, being on the field. It was the only place Shepard was sure of herself, the only place she was allowed to act like she had nothing to lose. She thought she'd be picking off anyone who got too close, but Archangel was even better than she'd thought. Another bullet brushed by her, and nearly hit Jacob. By the time they reached the ground floor of the fortress, every single mercenary was dead and Jacob was muttering about getting revenge for nearly being shot. She shook them off, eager to keep moving. She ascended the stairs that led to the Archangel's post, and saw no one at the top. Shepard could feel the sight trained on her cover, waiting for her to start shooting. So she did what he wouldn't expect. She holstered her gun and stepped out into the open. So what if he shot her? It wasn't like she'd never died before.

"Shepard, what're you doing? Get back here!" Jacob shouted, catching the red dot being trained on her. It disappeared.

"Shepard?"


	3. Timshel

**Two**

Garrus.

Garrus!

"Garrus?" her voice was so hoarse from disuse his name came out as a pitiful whisper. Jacob and Zaeed rose from cover with pistols on the Turian stepping out of cover across from them. It was him. Garrus; it really was him. Shepard felt like the she had been holding her breath underwater for a long time and was finally coming up for air. It was someone she knew, someone who wasn't a stranger; in an instant she was closing the distance between them, running with full force. Garrus wasn't expecting it; the Shepard he'd known hadn't been much of a hugger, but he caught her with one arm and held her tightly to him. He'd never been so physically close to Shepard before, she smelled like vanilla and flowers to him. He tried not to let her scent be pleasant to him; it was a dead woman he was holding after all.

"I half-expected you to pass right through me. That is what ghosts do, right?" he asked with a small smile. Even in the throes of his own life-or-death struggle, Garrus always had jokes. Shepard hadn't really known if she would have either, but she held him tightly and thought of nothing else.

"You know Shepard, Archangel?" Jacob asked, holstering his pistol and moving closer. Garrus focused on him with skeptical eyes.

"Yes. I met her, served under her, and watched her die before my very eyes two years ago. I see that perhaps I'll need to invest in glasses… because you're not dead, Shep," he looked down at the top of her head. She wasn't going to move, or explain herself right now. She was reeling, reveling in being in the arms of someone she knew. It took the ever-nearing gunshots to get deafeningly close for her to finally let him go.

"They've figured us out, Commander. We need to defend position," Jacob said, pulling his rifle. Garrus smiled down at Shepard, he was glad to see her; even under the circumstances. He drew his sniper rifle and popped in a new round.

"Let's add to the body count!" Zaeed shouted excitedly, pulling his shotgun and leaping down the stairs to the first level. Shepard turned away from Garrus, pulling her sniper rifle from the holster. He grabbed her arm.

"Promise me once we get through this, you're going to tell me how you're even alive right now," he said. She nodded, reloading her rifle.

"Then let's make a bet, for old time's sake. You're keeping count," Garrus said, moving to the ledge. Shepard followed his lead, taking the opposite side of the ledge. They kept even numbers, and anyone that managed to skim by them got a shotgun blast to the face courtesy of Jacob and Zaeed. The YMIR Mech that crossed onto the bridge only made Garrus laugh.

"Ten points if you get the driver before they rampage the Mech, Shep," he shouted to her. She smirked. It hurt to do so, her scars stretched uncomfortably and the muscles felt weak across her face. She lined up her sights, could see the man clearly through the bullet-proof casing. She took a solid breath, and -boom-. The glass shattered before the Mech's feet, and the driver fell out; a pool of blood forming quickly around him.

"It seems to me all dying did for you was improve your aim, Shep," Garrus noted, rising up from cover. The field was clear; perhaps they'd exhausted their recruits and were finally backing down. Jacob and Zaeed made their way back upstairs.

"Any secret pathways or exit routes in this shithole, Archangel?" Jacob asked, reloading his shotgun. Garrus narrowed his eyes at Jacob.

"Now why would I have one of those? So if ever three mercenary crews I've spent the last year dismantling from the inside out would band together with the noble goal of murdering me and burning all my efforts to the ground? Or did you honestly think I carried my daily groceries across that bridge?" He responded with an equal amount of disdain. Jacob didn't seem to respect Garrus very much, perhaps it was the bullet he almost took for this mission; Garrus wasn't keen on his attitude.

"Look, Turian; I just want to get the hell out of here and back to the ship so I can whoop your ass for nearly killing me on the field," Jacob replied, stepping up to Garrus. Garrus smirked.

"Damn, I wish I hadn't missed. I'm so afraid of a small human such as yourself; you've got me shaking in my three-toed boots," He answered harshly, clenching his fists. Shepard quickly got between them, pushing Jacob back.

"Back off, Taylor. That's an order," she said. God, she wished she didn't sound so pathetic and small.

"Since when do you give orders, Commander? Because I've never even heard you speak, let alone give-"

He stopped mid-sentence, his eyes widened. A whooshing noise was getting closer to them very quickly, the unmistakable sound of a gun-ship. One of these nuts had a gun-ship?

"You and these traitors are dead, Archangel! Say goodbye!"

The rocket fired from the ship's left side, came spiraling toward Shepard in slow motion. She felt like the sticky tar that consumed her dreams was licking at her heels, keeping her a deer in the headlights of an oncoming train. What if she let it kill her? No more emptiness, no more sleepless nights. These people wouldn't have to put up with her, could focus on their tasks at hand without her dragging them down. She could drift into the choking black darkness again, and stay.

"Shepard!"

She was thrown back into a crate near the stairs. She didn't feel the searing burns or any hurt at all, and when she opened her eyes she knew she was not. Garrus was. Her ears were ringing, she couldn't hear Zaeed and Jacob shouting to each other; taking cover and returning fire on the gun-ship. Was Garrus dead? He wasn't moving. This was because of her. Her one hope for being brought back to the old Shepard and she had killed him. In one quick moment, she again had nothing. The gun-ship's left wing caught fire, sending it into a tail-spin back across the bridge. Shepard hadn't realized how hysterical she was until Jacob was knelt down before her and shaking her shoulders.

"Commander! Commander!"  
His voice was distant and foggy, like he was incredibly far away. Zaeed was a whisper to her.

"Archangel's alive, Taylor! Let's get them out of here now!"


	4. Only If For A Night

**Three**

Shepard awoke suddenly, feeling the effects of a wearing down sedative and a sharp pain in her side as she attempted to sit up.

"Shepard, lay down; you're just going to make things worse on yourself," Dr. Chakwas pushed Shepard back down on the table of the Normandy's med bay. Mordin pushed himself into sight.

"No need for Shepard to stay in bed. Cybernetics healed fractured rib caused by Turian to mild bruising. Must focus attention on other patient. Better chance of success with both of us," he said, dipping away again quickly. Begrudgingly, Chakwas helped Shepard dress and booted her from the bay.

"Please tell me how he is; if there's anything I can do, just tell me!" Shepard again found herself in hysterics as Chakwas gently shoved her out into the dining hall.

"I promise you, Commander, we will let you know. Now please, calm down and get some sleep," Chakwas replied wearily, stepping back and shutting the doors behind her. It was either late at night or very early in the morning, sometime when no one was in the hall but her. There was no way she was going to sleep without knowing that Garrus was okay, so she took a seat and waited. She'd gotten good at phasing out time, spending long hours at night lying awake from nightmares. Surely her brain had gained the ability to play dead, since it had been for nearly two years. It was a strange thing to think about, especially knowing there wasn't a support group worth of people in the entire universe who she'd ever be able to relate to. She hadn't asked for this. Not say she'd wanted to die, it had never been the plan. But she had. And that was how she always thought this whole life thing worked; you get brought in, and you fight as long as you could until you were taken out. She just couldn't shake the knowledge that she shouldn't be here, sitting in this seat or breathing the filtered air of this ship; and that because of it, she wasn't the same person; and if she couldn't defeat this, what chance did she stand against Collectors, the Reapers?

The med bay doors slid open, and Mordin stepped out.

"Graft bonded with cybernetics to allow for quicker healing process. Come back in three days, will check to make sure everything coming together properly. Can tell you are a strong person, Garrus. Most people die from receiving injuries such as yours. Not sure where Shepard wants you to stay. No beds set up anywhere," Mordin stepped aside, letting Garrus pass through. Shepard could see the small, familiar glow of cybernetics in Garrus' face. He was in plain clothes, and he was walking steadily. He was alive. He nodded to Mordin, touching his face gingerly. He turned his head, locking eyes with Shepard immediately. She stood slowly, feeling almost unsure that she should be here.

"I'll ask her, Mordin. Thank you for the… work," Garrus replied. Mordin nodded, glancing at Shepard momentarily before disappearing into the med bay. Garrus and Shepard stood still, allowing the distance between each other to become heavy with silence. A wave of guilt washed over Shepard. She had done this to him, and he had not deserved it. He could have very well died, and the thought of Garrus going where she had gone made the lump forming in her throat unbearable. Tears began to bubble up and dribble down her cheeks. Garrus' eyes widened a bit. He definitely wasn't used to seeing the almighty Commander Shepard crying.

"I'll let you hug me again if it'll stop you from doing that," he said, opening his arms. She went to him without hesitation and let him wrap his arms around her gently. She began to cry openly against his chest.

"I'm fine, Shepard. Your Salarian doctor patched me up like it was nothing," Garrus said softly, trying to calm her.

"I'm sorry, Garrus," Shepard whispered, sniffling a bit. Garrus laughed.

"Nothing's wrong here, Shep. Well, except the sound of your voice," he said. She laughed a little, letting Garrus go and wiping away the lingering tears.

"I haven't done a lot of talking since Cerberus brought me back. I… actually died," She said quietly, meeting his eyes.

"I know, Shep. We all saw the Normandy. We all saw you. What did they do to you?"

Shepard could hear footsteps. Miranda was awake. Shepard didn't want her involved in this conversation.

"Come up to my cabin. We can talk there."

Allowing anyone into her cabin had felt like a violation before. This place was big and empty and frightening. But having Garrus here, sitting in the chair next to her bed; it made the place feel less like a fortress and more like her home. Shepard's voice returned as she told Garrus absolutely everything; the nightmares that had plagued her from death until now, being rebuilt by Cerberus, and how all of it made her feel like a shell of her former self. He listened openly, completely; and as she finished he nodded.

"Well, Shep, I expect everyone to let death affect them; especially their own," he mused simply, making Shepard smile a little. Garrus leaned forward on his elbow and really looked at Shepard.

"It can't be easy being alive when you figure you really shouldn't be," he added. She shook her head, and found herself caught in a yawn. Garrus smirked, rising up in his seat.

"Time for bed, Shep. Knowing you, you convinced yourself you got enough sleep when you were dead," Garrus stood, and Shepard too.

"Take my bed, Garrus. I can have your quarters readied in the battery by morning," She said, fixing the silk sheets where she'd been sitting. Garrus shook his head.

"If it's alright with you, I don't mind the couch. It's a luxury compared to what I've slept on the last few days. I couldn't evict you from your bed," he replied. Shepard rolled her eyes.

"You say that like I ever use it."

She made her way across the room, unbuttoning the blouse she'd been put in and shrugging it off. She came back into his view in her tight black slacks and a small white tank top, holding a thick blanket and pillow. She tossed them to him, and he set them down on the couch. She pulled down her hair, letting it fall across her back as she turned to the fish tank in the wall. She bent down to pick up a jar of fish food from a cabinet underneath the tank, and as much as he wanted to keep himself modest; he couldn't look away. This new Shepard wasn't being easy on Garrus. He'd never felt anything for a human before, but Shepard had always been beautiful to him. He'd always admired her strength, her ability to lead without sacrificing the voices of her crew; her track record with a sniper rifle was nothing to scoff at either. She was what he'd molded himself to be when he'd become the leader of his own team. Even in the state she was now, she was still the best leader he had ever had the honor to serve under. He watched her reaching up on her tippy toes to toss in some fish food, her top rising up slowly with her to her ribcage. He could see the bruise his hand had left when he'd pushed her back. She didn't know it, how much she had changed his life in such a short time. Garrus supposed it wasn't hard to fall for a woman like Shepard, especially when she stood before you on her toes, her bare skin soft and perfect porcelain; those two dimples just above her pert, round, little-

"Garrus?" She said, turning around and interrupting his view; part of Garrus was thankful for this.

"Yes, Commander?" he replied, choosing to look down at the couch.

"Call me Kaitlyn, Garrus. We've been together too long to continue with titles," she came back to him, getting so close that it rose a feeling in Garrus he quickly suppressed. Shepard passed by him, setting the pillow at the end of the couch and unfolding the quilt she'd brought him.

"This ship is not my Normandy. The walls are thin; I can hear the emptiness outside of this place, the sound of space. It's the only thing I heard for a long time," she turned to him, still close; Garrus could smell her. He was losing a fight, not to hold her again, console her.

"What if I can't do what the old Kaitlyn Shepard could do? What if I'm not capable? What chance do I stand against the Reapers if I can't even gain the respect of my own crew? They are going to come in, and wipe us all out because I can't get over this. What's going to happen to me, Garrus?" Tears came spilling down her face again; this only seemed to make her angry. She crossed the room, to get away from Garrus and from her feelings.

"I've never cried this much in my life. Every single night I cry. I can't take this, Garrus. I just want to feel like myself again. What am I doing here? Who am I?" She crumpled to the ground, completely defeated for the first time in her life. It hit Garrus suddenly how terrible it was that he stood before a crying dead woman. The world had put such a great weight on her shoulders, had asked so much of her and she had risen to the occasion without hesitation; it had ended without glory or the respect she had deserved from the Council or the people she'd saved, and then she had died. And instead of being left to peace, she was forced to come back; she was not as strong as she used to be, and the weight she'd left behind was crushing her now.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," she apologized, but she didn't need to be. This was far from her doing. She'd died to save her crew, nobly and with purpose. And Cerberus had sullied it. Garrus went to her and grasped her back and legs, lifting her easily.

"Listen to me, Shep-Kaitlyn. You're still the same woman. You're the same Commander Shepard who survived Akuze, you're the same woman who defeated Saren and saved the Citadel from Sovereign. You are absolutely the same woman who died to save her entire crew when the Normandy was destroyed. You just glow from the cracks in your face now. Or did you always do that?" She laughed a little through her tears. It took him great effort not to wipe them from her face himself. He supposed he'd always had feelings for Shepard, but she had belonged to someone else before. Did she still? She had stopped crying, and her tear-stricken eyes were locked on his. His hand was resting on her bare back; her skin was as soft as it looked. He set her down on the bed; he couldn't bear to hold her that way any longer.

"Thank you, Garrus," she said quietly. He nodded, rubbing the back of his neck.

"I'm sure whatever I do isn't nearly as impressive as you think it is, Kait. I'm going to get some water, let you get ready for bed. I'll be right back."

He had to get out of there before he made a fool of himself. He put his fist against the elevator door. He couldn't take advantage of her in her current state. For that matter, how could he even think Shepard would want that from him, or if he could even give her what she wanted? When he'd known her last, she was into humans. One human, specifically. The doors opened, and he found himself face to face with the Cerberus man from earlier, Jacob.

"I was wondering why this thing was taking so long," Jacob said. He was wearing only a pair of pajama pants and holding bottled water.

"It looks like you and I are after the same goal," Garrus motioned to his water. The last thing he wanted was another altercation with this guy. It took Jacob a moment to respond.

"Yeah, I'm starting to put that together," Jacob replied, stepping aside so Garrus could exit the elevator. Garrus could feel Jacob's eyes on him as he crossed the room and opened the refrigerator in the kitchen.

"You came from the Commander's cabin?" Jacob said from the elevator. What business was it of his where Garrus was coming from? Garrus took the liberty not to answer immediately, and took a long drink of water first. He re-capped the bottle and grabbed another for Shepard. Jacob was still standing at the elevator.

"I'm sorry?" Garrus said, acting as though he hadn't heard. Jacob folded his arms.

"You came from the Commander's cabin," he repeated, now a statement. Garrus nodded, choosing his words carefully before he said them.

"She's allowed me to sleep in her cabin until my quarters in the battery are set," Garrus replied calmly. Jacob took a heavy breath, as though it bothered him to hear those words.

"Look, Turian, I apologize for my outburst on Omega. It was out of place for me to speak to you or my Commander that way. You have to understand how little leading she's done since we brought her back. We need her to be that strong, powerful woman who defeated Saren and Sovereign. I spend so much time trying to break down that wall she had up, keeping all of us away from her. And the way that she just ran to you, it…" he trailed off, squeezing the bottle of water in his hand. Was Jacob jealous of Garrus? Garrus couldn't help but smirk at his realization.

"Listen, Mr. Taylor, my name is Chief Gunnery Officer Garrus Vakarian; and though I am a Turian and I am damn proud of the fact, you may only address me by name or title. Your apologies to me are unnecessary. But your Commander deserves an apology for the way that you treated her. Now if you'll excuse me," he passed by Jacob again and pressed the top floor key, "Kaitlyn is waiting for her water. Goodnight, Mr. Taylor."

The doors closed and Garrus felt the elevator moving upward. He smiled to himself, proud that he had handled the situation appropriately. When he arrived back at the cabin, the lights were dimmed. He could see the outline of Shepard lying on her side in her bed, but couldn't tell if she was asleep or not. He moved as quietly as he could, setting down the waters on the table next to the couch.

"Garrus," she whispered. He looked up.

"Yes?"

"Don't sleep on the couch," she said. He wasn't sure what she meant.

"The fish seems content to have the duplex to himself," he replied, picking up his blanket. She moved a little, but it was hard to read her when she wasn't looking at him.

"No, Garrus, I… I just-there's room for you here."


	5. Safe And Sound

**Four**

Garrus' knees got weak.

Did she just ask him to… sleep with her?

"Umm... I…"

Garrus was speechless. He couldn't remember the last time he'd not had a word to say about anything.

"I'm sorry. I just can't be alone here without-it isn't-I just-I'm sorry," She curled up, pulling her sheets around her. Garrus recalled the nightmares she'd told him about; she didn't want sleep alone; she only wanted him to keep her safe. Garrus inhaled slowly. What could it hurt? She wasn't asking for anything but his protection. And she had saved his life twice now. But could he handle it?

He moved slowly to the opposite side of the bed, and gently pulled down the sheets for himself. He could see her curled up at the other end, in a lilac-colored silk nightgown. This woman loved her silk. Where were her footie pajamas when he needed them? He slowly lay down; waiting for any moment when Shepard would regret her decision or Kaidan Alenko would come bursting through the door shotgun in hand. Neither of these things happened; instead, Shepard rolled over and buried her face in his chest. He wrapped his arms around her, pressing her against him; he rubbed her back in a small circular motion, attempting to calm her. Her scent was amongst these sheets, she was wrapped in his embrace and there was no avoiding her now. He brushed his fingers through her hair once and then a few more times, letting the strands fall across her back in waves. Human hair was amazingly soft; he'd never felt it before now. She leaned her head up, and he looked down at her.

"Kiss me, Garrus," she whispered. Her words were electrifying and more than anything he would've loved to kiss her. But he worried she was speaking as a broken woman in need of something solid to hold on to. Garrus could not bear it if she regretted him in the morning.

"Is that what you really want, Kait?" he countered. She pushed herself up to eye level with him.

"If I didn't want it, Vakarian; I wouldn't have asked," she replied, and planted a kiss on him before he could say anything. He couldn't have fought her on this if he'd wanted. She tasted sweet and warm; he wanted nothing else. She pulled back only when they were both out of breath, letting her forehead rest on his. She laughed a little.

"Do you keep a pistol on you at all times, or are you happy to see me, Vakarian?" His eyes widened a little when he realized what she talking about. He pulled back from her, feeling embarrassed.

"Sorry about that, I didn't mean to imply anything; it… just happened," he said with complete humility. She laughed a little more.

"I would've been offended if it hadn't. Well, to be honest I wasn't sure it even worked that way, but I expected something," she said with a devilish smile, pulling him in again. Kissing her was unlike anything he'd ever experienced and it was a testament to his military training that he was able to keep himself at only kissing. Her lips were soft and her hair fell across their faces as they kissed. His hands found their way to her bare thighs and upward, pushing up her nightgown and revealing tiny pink-laced underwear. She smiled against his mouth, giving him permission to do as he pleased. She responded to his touch, running his hands across her back and down through the sweet spot of her inner thigh. The human body was different than a turian; he let his touch be a tour guide to what made this woman tick. Brushing his hand across her stomach and down; her underwear was silken and when he brushed along it, she let out a small gasp. His control was waning quickly; even the most militant of turians couldn't take this kind of torture. He pulled himself away.

"I can't take much more of this flirtation, Kait," he said, in a strange way feeling a little defeated by her. Nearly every fiber of his being was shouting to take her then and there. He clung to the one tiny shred of restraint he had left.

"I don't want to sleep tonight, Garrus."

The desperation in her tiny voice was enough to sway his mind against his body. Every ounce of him was going to hate him for a long time to come for this.

"I'm not saying I don't want it. Because, believe me, every piece of me from head to toe wants it, even if I'm not entirely sure what to do with you," he couldn't help but laugh a little at himself for his honesty, "But, I don't think it's the right time for you to get into this with me. I think… you should get some sleep while you have a chance to, because nothing can hurt you with me here, Kait."

Shepard nodded, yawning already. Garrus couldn't help but smile. Shepard was really committed to sleeping when she was dead.

"I'm not using you, just so you know," she said, leaning into his forehead again.

"I think you could do better as far as one night stands go anyhow, Kait," he replied, smirking. She shook her head a little, already falling asleep.

"What if this was your one and only shot with me, Vakarian? You blew it," she whispered, closing her eyes. Garrus smiled.

"It'll be a story worth sharing one day. I felt up THE Commander Shepard in the midst of a Reaper Invasion. I can die happy knowing I was a part of the solution," he replied, watching her smile as she drifted off into sleep. At the moment, he would be content knowing he held in his arms a woman capable of saving the world. And that even if only for a night, she needed him.

_Mr. Vakarian._

Garrus opened his eyes, and was greeted by an empty bed. He got up a little more quickly. He could've sworn someone had just said his name, but there was no one in the room.

_Mr. Vakarian, Commander Shepard requested I awake you for the crew's debriefing. It begins in the main hall in fifteen minutes._

The ship was speaking to him. This was new.

"You can call me Garrus…. Normandy," he said uncertainly, still looking around for Shepard or the source of the voice.

_The crew calls me EDI. I am an AI installed in the Normandy._

"Very well, EDI. Thanks for the wake-up call."

Garrus dressed quickly, wondering why it had been the ship waking him and not Shepard. He began to become nervous in the elevator on the way down. He hoped Shepard wasn't angry with him. But when the elevator doors opened he knew he was far down on her shit list for the day.

"You brought a test-tube baby Krogan on my ship without telling me? How dare you undermine my authority, Lawson!" Shepard was shouting at the Cerberus woman, who seemed flustered and astounded at the same time. This was Miranda's first contact with a vocal Shepard, and she didn't seem to be faring well with it.

"Commander, we figured it would be best to take care of the Warlord dossier on our own terms. We wanted to let you focus on… your interests," Miranda locked eyes with Garrus as he entered the room. Jacob was beside Miranda, his arms folded and a glare on his face.

"My interests lie with my task at hand, nothing else. And you failed. The man I wanted is dead. And you stole his child," Shepard replied flatly, not even looking at Garrus. He was glad not to be the target of her frustration.

"The Krogan is not his child. It was his project. He told us to take it, and utilize it," Jacob chimed in, looking at Garrus as he stepped to Shepard's side. Shepard glanced up at him for a moment.

"I'm not dealing with this right now. You both are absolutely out of control and I'm suspending you from the next mission," Shepard, folding her arms and staring down the livid pair.

"We did nothing wrong, Commander," Miranda maintained, standing her ground.

"Besides carry out orders you were never given by a commanding officer you not only undermined but disrespected, and then bring aboard a crewmember that is… I'm guessing cryogenically sealed somewhere, of whom you know absolutely nothing and could upon entry to the ship kill us all? I can see where you'd think that was a success of some sort," Garrus retorted, drawing her attention. But before Miranda could open her mouth and start in on him, Shepard cleared her throat.

"Both of you, you're off the mission and I don't want to hear another word about it. And go right ahead and go to your Illusive Man and try to get him to move me in your favor. He doesn't run this ship. I do. Dismissed," Shepard turned her back on them both and took a seat at the main table to a plate full of food. Garrus took the seat beside her, and couldn't help but smirk at her. She shook her head at him and went back to her breakfast.

"Welcome to the Normandy SR-2, Commander Shepard," Garrus said, taking a plate of his dextro-food.

"Very funny, Vakarian," she replied, taking a forkful of scrambled egg. She was sleeping again, eating again. She was back, and she wasn't going to let those Cerberus fools push her around.


	6. Iris

"Do you find it wise to recruit a man named Jack, referred to as the world's most powerful human biotic convict on his dossier, who must have killed a great amount of people, to live on our ship?"

Garrus wanted to be sure he didn't sound crazy here. Mordin laughed a little, examining the ball-point pen Shepard had set on the table next to her. The warden had led them to this room to await Jack's arrival. Shepard hoped this would be an easy trade-off, but this was taking too long. The crackle of an intercom brought Shepard's attention upwards.

"Commander Shepard is in out-processing. Her crew is expendable. Take her alive!"

Garrus shook his head, loading his rifle.

"Why are we always expendable? I'm the Archangel, you know! I could be worth a few credits to the right people," he muttered, ducking down under cover. Shepard laughed a little and did the same.

"Adjacent hallway contains control room. Can access Jack's cell and release from there," Mordin pulled his pistol and shot the first person through the door with ease, surprising Shepard and Garrus.

"We may have to include him in our little game!" Garrus shouted between shots as they made their way from the room.

"No thanks, Vakarian," Shepard replied as she leapt up on a Blue Suns merc rushing her, cracking his helmet with the butt of her sniper rifle and throwing him back for a clean head shot.

"Mordin's STG, he'd sweep us if we let him. I prefer just knowing I'm better than you."

"Do not excel in long-range shooting. Always been-"

Mordin stopped long enough to sweep the leg of an incoming merc and blast him point-blank

"-the up-close and personal type."

"You scare me, Solus. You really do," Garrus said, stepping over Mordin's victim. Mordin just smiled, loading his pistol for another go.

They came to the control room quickly; between the three of them these men were like picking off varren in a barrel. Mordin stepped up to the console and pressed a few buttons, they could see from the window what his work was doing. A large cloud of cryogenic ice filled the room, tossing guards around the structure rising from the ground off their feet.

"That is… not a man…" Garrus said slowly, and he was right. Jack was not a man. She was a scantily clad overtly tattooed woman. And her biotics were blowing guards away by the dozens.

"Subject Zero is loose! Contain her! GET SHEP-"

Garrus shot the intercom speaker above them, silencing the Warden for now.

"Let's have some fun. You're keeping count, Shep," Garrus said, reloading. Shepard sighed.

"Why do I always have to keep count?"

* * *

"Welcome aboard the Normandy SR-2, Jack. My name is Miranda, I'm Shepard's second-in-command."

Jack scoffed at the woman before her.

"This cheerleader is your second? Where's the rest of the squad?" she said to Shepard, who couldn't help but smile at the comparison. Miranda was not as amused.

"Jack has been granted access to Cerberus' files," Shepard said, dropping her amusement.

"Excuse me? You do not have authorization to do that," Miranda was close to being on her last straw with Shepard.

"Hm." Shepard let the quiet simmer as she pretended to really think about Miranda's statement.

"Does that shoe… fit well on the other foot?"

With that, Shepard left the comm room, a laughing Jack behind her.

"You really shouldn't mock the woman, Shepard," Garrus said, leaning against the door in the hall outside "We need her just as much as anyone else."

"Listen, Shep; I think you're a completely sick and twisted person and all. That's why I respect you. I mean, the way you took out that Blue Suns merc with his own shotgun; just wow," Jack said, taking a moment to admire the memory "But I will never respect that Cerberus puppet, and I don't agree with you on needing her, scar-face."

Garrus shrugged. Miranda was here for a reason, he figured. And she was only trying to help. Upon further thought, he could understand why Miranda and Jacob had snuck off at night and tried to finish a dossier without her. Shepard had not been fit for action before, and there wasn't a lot of time to waste on trying to pull her out of herself.

"Mr. Vakarian, can I speak with you?"

Miranda was in the comm room doorway, looking at him. She wore a mask of expression, and he wondered what it was she wanted. Garrus nodded, following her inside.

"Call me Garrus, Miranda. Mr. Vakarian was my father, and even he didn't care much for being called that. What can I do for you?"

Miranda took a few steps forward and grabbed a chair.

"Take a seat, Garrus. There are some things we need to discuss."

Garrus took the seat across from her, and waited for her to speak.

"I'm going to be frank with you, I know about your rendezvous with Shepard last night. Jacob came to me after seeing you come down from the commander's cabin. We used her distraction with you to obtain the Krogan."

He wasn't sure how she wanted him to respond. Shepard had not regarded their hook-up the night before, and he was sure it was best if he didn't either.

"We stayed up talking, about what your people did to her. Jacob took a little too much out of context from our conversation," he replied brusquely.

"What my people did to her? We brought her back to life so she could save the universe as she had intended to. We would not stand a chance without her."

"But at what cost? You saw the woman you got from what you did."

Miranda stood suddenly, her face flushed full with anger.

"We were the ones who got her to this point! What did you two talk about all night last night? The good old times; the old crew; your memories of the journey you had together? Doubtful. She doesn't actually know who you are. She doesn't remember anything before now. Did she tell you that when you _talked all night_?"

"What the hell are you talking about?"

Garrus couldn't wrap his head around what was being said. That Shepard didn't know who he was? This could not be true. Not after what they'd shared the night before.

"She knew who I was when she saw me," Garrus replied, unable to hide his belief in her statements.

"Of course she did. She's been shown pictures of your face. She's been told how she met you, who you were before she met you; that you were a member of her crew and that you were a crewmember she lost her life for. Eventually, these basic facts jogged her thoughts on you a little. If I recall correctly, it was that you were a particularly up-tight and you always watched her as she walked away. But she doesn't remember anything you've ever said to her, or how she used to feel about you. We'd rounded through almost the entire crew when we put her into that psychosis. It was unintentional, we didn't know that-"

The door opened, and a grave-faced Shepard entered. Garrus sat up in his chair, not realizing how engrossed he'd been in Miranda's admission.

"We're on our way to a small human colony on the outskirts of council space called Horizon. The Illusive Man has just informed me that it will be the next colony to be targeted by the Collectors. Mordin is developing a counter-measure for those seekers we saw on Freedom's Progress, so we can stop them from harvesting the colony. We'll be there in a few hours. So suit up, both of you. You'll be my esteemed guests," she said, turning and leaving again. Garrus got up and followed her out.

"Shepard, I need to talk to you."

"I can't, Vakarian. I've got to help Mordin get his supplies together."

She was walking fast, passing through people to keep him back. But Garrus managed to grab her by the arm. She spun around.

"Shepard, I need some clarification."

"Now is not the time," she replied quietly, feeling the eyes of many people on their growing spectacle. She was not able to look at him.

"Why didn't I become a Spectre?"

The question was the first to come to his mind. He remembered that conversation well, because he'd never really discussed his father with anyone but her. The confusion that swept across her face only stayed there for a moment before it was masked again in frustration.

"Neither you nor I have time for twenty questions, Officer. Now please, let me get back to my work," she yanked herself from his grip and retreated into the med bay, leaving him standing in the dining hall.

Miranda was right. Shepard didn't remember him.


	7. Remain Nameless

**Six**

Garrus sat silent on the shuttle down to the surface. Shepard was not looking at him, or anyone; her eyes had been closed since she'd taken her seat. Miranda was looking out the window. This was not right. In so many ways, Shepard knew she'd done something wrong. She was wavering again, finding herself falling back into a place she didn't want to be.

Miranda turned to Garrus for moment, whispered under her breath.

"Don't take it personally, Garrus. She doesn't know any of them. She knows you the best as who she is."

Garrus wasn't sure it was much of a comfort, but in a way she was right. It wasn't Shepard's fault she didn't remember. It just came with the territory. He still couldn't shake being the only one knowing so much of their history, the missions they went on; the moments they grew from being allies to being friends. He wished there were some things he could forget; seeing her kiss Kaidan. But they all made him and his relationship with her what it was. He supposed it wasn't right for him to be angry.

* * *

They were already here. And they had to be stopped before they made off with the colonists. Mordin was goddamn genius, without him they wouldn't have been able to even touch down here. Part of Shepard still hadn't wanted to after he saw the people; frozen on the ground or in mid-stride, horror-stricken faces in panic for their lives.

"Can we help them, Commander?!" It was hard to hear anything above the massive buzzing of the swelling seeker swarms; Shepard shook her head, and waved them forward. The Collectors were tough sons of bitches, but what Miranda lacked in social graces and respecting authority she made up for with agility and accuracy. When they'd freed themselves for a moment, Shepard tried to patch in to the Normandy.

"Joker, can you hear me?"

_Shep….feed….hear….you…._

"Guess not."

She caught sight of a small frozen foot sticking out around the corner of a building. Garrus could feel it like thunder hitting the air, that little breaking of her heart at how little she could do. When she finally turned away, her face was stone.

"We need to get these anti-air guns online. We can't fend off a ship-full of Collectors. We need to get them out of here," she said. Garrus nodded, picking up a discarded heat sink.

"Let's keep moving, hopefully I can get Joker on the-"

The small foot was sliding slowly out of view. What took its place rumbling around the corner seemed to be a husk with a gigantic blue hump on its back.

"Get back! Get behind cover!" Shepard shouted, rolling forward into a cluster of crates. The Scion let loose a shockwave in her direction. Shepard bounced back from cover, and three husks began to descend on her. Garrus moved forward on instinct, picking them off quickly while Miranda drew the Scion's attention. Shepard was on the ground, holding her headpiece.

"EDI, can you get these guns online?"

_Affirmative, Commander. It will just take time to bring the guns to full power._

"Then we'll buy it. Get on it, EDI," she pulled herself up before Garrus could grab her, moving her right shoulder uncomfortably.

"I'm fine," she answered before he could ask. He'd come to know that when she said that, it almost always meant the opposite.

"Two more bloated husks coming in from the east! And a really, really big bug!" Miranda called out to them. Garrus looked down at Shepard. She tweaked her shoulder again.

"You're keeping count, Vakarian," she said, pulling the trigger on a lumbering husk 100 feet away.

"Three points, Commander; you've got to try harder than that." He'd give her this one for now. But she had to know she was getting hell when this was over. She'd left out a very important detail in her story last night, one that would've changed the outcome of that night in its entirety.

* * *

_Guns at 100%. I am in control._

"Give 'em hell, EDI!" Shepard shouted, rolling from cover to cover under the watchful eye of a Praetorian. The ground shook with the first blast of the guns against the Collector ship. Shepard slammed into an L-shaped crate shoulder-first, and winced in pain. Lying beside her was a large gun she'd seen a few of the Collector guards using; it was a powerful heavy weapon.

"This isn't working, Commander! We can't touch this thing!" Miranda shouted from across the field. Garrus was beside her, trying his best to find the giant bug's weak spot. Shepard looked to the gun again. She'd be visible when she grabbed it, and this big thing was dead-set on her; but it was also the only gun in this place capable of taking it down. It was a no-brainer; she dove for the gun. It was heavier than it looked, and lifting it sent angry flares of pain across her shoulder. She pulled it up and pulled the trigger, sending the powerful bean into the eyes of the Praetorian. The shrill noise it emitted was ear-piercing, but it quickly disintegrated under the powerful ray.

"Damn, Shepard. I'd hate to know where you hid that gun until now," Garrus said, lifting her up on her feet by her good arm. She dropped the gun to the ground and pulled herself up more easily. The Collector ship began to shift.

"No! The colonists!" Shepard ran, but they were too far away and the ship was too quick. It pulled up and out of the atmosphere before they could get close. Shepard leaned against a crate, catching her breath.

"Damnit!" A man in a jumpsuit appeared from the opposite direction. Shepard grasped her gun, turning to face the man with it pointed at him. He was unfazed by her.

"Half of the colony was on that ship," he continued angrily, kicking a toolbox "Don't let them get away! Do something!"

"I'm… I'm sorry. I didn't want it to end this way," Shepard said, holstering her gun and closing her eyes.

"It was a good fight, Shepard. We tried," Miranda replied reassuringly.

"Shepard?" the man took a good look at her, came a little close for Garrus' comfort  
"I know you; you're that Alliance hero-"

Another man stepped out of the shadows.

"Commander Shepard."

That voice.

Shepard's heart began to race to a sickening beat.

No.

The Collectors, did they plant him here?

He was real?

The nightmares, they weren't just dreams.

He was real.

He had a face.

And his eyes were brown. As she had once remembered.

"Captain of the Normandy, first human Spectre, savior of the Citadel. You're in the presence of a legend, and a ghost," he said, his eyes locked on her. She could not look away; the horror on her face was evident.

"Garrus," Miranda spoke quietly "He's the one we never got the chance to tell her about."

This wasn't going to go well.

* * *

"Commander Shepard, what is my name?"

"Miranda Lawson"

"Very good, Shepard. Can you tell me yours? And maybe where you're from?"

"Kaitlyn Michaela Shepard, Commander of the SSV Normandy, Alliance military. Earthborn."

Miranda put her clipboard down on the shiny white table. Everything was shiny and pale in this room, her subject included. Miranda smiled. She grabbed the photos and held them up one by one for Shepard to identify.

"And your crew?"

"Urdnot Wrex, Krogan with a pension for shotguns.

Tali Zorah Na Rayya, Quarian on her Pilgrimage; found her attempting to contact Shadow Broker with vital information on Saren.

Dr. Liara T'Soni studied Protheans. Mother was Matriarch Benezia; indoctrinated by Saren.

Ashley Williams, found her on Freedom's Progress; anti-alien, called me Skipper; died on Virmire.

Garrus Vakarian, turian; former C-Sec, a complete tight-ass."

"Very good, Shepard," Miranda took a moment to collectively prepare herself "Now, I don't want you to be alarmed. You're doing very well, and you only have one more crew-member. Do you remember anyone else?" Miranda held tightly the final picture to her chest.

"No," replied Shepard flatly. Miranda handed Shepard the picture and grabbed her clipboard.

"Kaidan Alenko is the Staff Lieutenant of the SSV-"

* * *

"Of all the good people to get taken and they leave you behind, Alenko. I'm through with you Alliance jackasses…" The man stalked off back in the direction he'd come, leaving Kaidan standing with Shepard. There was a moment of silence, and Kaidan moved closer to her. Garrus found himself wanting to react, but Miranda held the wrist in which he had his gun down. Kaidan wrapped his arms around her in an embrace Shepard was not sure how to react to.

"I thought you were dead, Shepard; we all did."

The silence was not good. The relief on Kaidan's face was not steady. He was not happy to see her.

"I was," she answered uncertainly. Kaidan stepped back. Garrus had called it. He was mad. Very mad.

"That's all you have to say? You were gone for two years and I didn't hear a word! I watched you die, Shepard! How are you even here?"

_**You don't deserve to be saved! You made your sacrifice. You made your choice.**_

Shepard was frozen. Her head was screaming to go, to run, but her body refused to move.

"I'm sorry," was all she could think to say. His face was beginning to twist; her eyes were getting thick and glassing over. Miranda was no longer holding Garrus back; they seemed to be holding each other back; a train-wreck unable to be looked away from.

"I thought we had something special, Kaitlyn, something real. I loved you! Thinking you were dead, it tore me apart; why didn't you contact me?"

"I'm sorry," she repeated, looking down at the ground and grabbing the end of her ponytail. She was falling from the fragile perch of grace she'd been leaning on. Garrus wished he could do something.

"Are you going to give me any answers? If you are, make it one. Why would you join Cerberus? They're the enemy, Kaitlyn! Are you that naïve? Did they brainwash you? Indoctrinate you? You can't be following them of your own free will," his anger was shaping him, making him the sick man who haunted her.

"I never expected any of this from you, Shepard. You turned your back on everything we believed in; on us."

_**What's the matter, little Shepard? Can't find that voice of yours, can you?**_

_**TAKE A SEAT.**_

She fell to her knees, unable to defend herself against the barrage Kaidan was throwing at her. Garrus had to step in.

"I… I just-I'm sorry. I don't know who you are. Garrus, please, make it stop. Make it stop."

Garrus stepped forward, moving over Shepard and placing himself between her and Alenko. He had a good half a foot on Kaidan; for some reason Garrus didn't remember him being so short.

"As usual, Alenko, you've jumped to conclusions based on little to no merit whatsoever. Cerberus and Shepard have the same goals. They're trying to save the colonies the Alliance has abandoned. And if you loved this woman the way you say you do, you would've listened to her story instead of shouting accusations at her like you're her goddamned drill sergeant. You're letting your emotions get the best of you; and I will not allow you to take your frustrations at your inability to move on in your life out on my Commander."

Miranda knelt down next to Shepard to try and calm her. She was not crying, she was just so deathly silent and unmoving. It almost seemed worse.

"What does she mean she doesn't know who I am, Garrus? What have you done to her? What did you do you Cerberus bitch!" Kaidan asked, trying to move past him to get to Shepard. Garrus pushed him, knocking him a few steps back.

"I don't know you. I don't… I didn't do anything wrong, Miranda. You never told me. I didn't do anything wrong. I don't know you. Kaidan Alenko is the Staff Lieutenant of the SSV…. Alenko…. Kaidan Alenko is… Kaidan Alenko…." She was shaking her head, her hands grasping fistfuls of her hair. She was close to a full-length breakdown.

"What is she saying, Garrus? What have you let them do to her?!" Kaidan was fighting him now, trying to push past or around him; anything to get to Shepard. His biotics were giving him a blue glare around his body. Garrus side-armed him into a large crate, knocking the wind out of him momentarily.

"Miranda, get Joker to send the shuttle. Shepard has had enough of this colony."

"Get off of me, Garrus! Let me talk to her!" Kaidan shouted, trying to move his arms and gain enough leverage to grab his gun. Garrus had one on him in a heartbeat.

"I do not want to shoot you, and believe me; it surprises me too; but you're endangering her welfare and I can't have that."

"Just tell me why, Garrus. You owe me that," Kaidan was defeated. Garrus did not owe Kaidan anything, but the way he had looked when he'd held Shepard in his arms. Garrus understood that relief, that disbelief and happiness and confusion.

"She doesn't remember anything after waking up on a Cerberus operating table a month ago. They never got to tell her about you. She doesn't know who you are, Kaidan."

Garrus could hear the shuttle touching down nearby. Kaidan wasn't fighting him anymore. Miranda and Shepard were out of sight, so Garrus let Kaidan go.

"Goodbye, Kaidan," he said, holstering his gun and turning his back. Kaidan pulled his pistol; but Garrus knew he wouldn't shoot. Garrus knew if Kaidan had really wanted to get to Shepard it wouldn't have taken more than a biotic flare up to knock Garrus on his ass. But Shepard had thrown him a bombshell. And so Kaidan stood, pointing his gun at Garrus' back until he was out of sight and the shuttle cleared the atmosphere.


	8. Ever The Same

_Ah, the little Shepard is back. Welcome to hell._

This could not be happening.

Not again.

_Oh, this is happening. This is definitely happening. And now you know, little Shepard, that I'm not a dream. I'm real. And I love you, little Shepard, even if you are a DIRTY FUCKING TRAITOR._

Everything was dark, she felt like she was swimming in unimaginably deep waters. She couldn't see him, but his voice echoed through her head. She could tell now the difference in their voices. Was she a traitor like he had said? What had she done?

_I'm right, you know. I told you Cerberus brainwashed you. Don't you remember Admiral Kahoku? The rachni? Corporal Toombs?_

Images before her followed her as she swam. The spider-like creatures crawling over Kahoku's body, Toombs being tortured by scientists with Cerberus patches.

Why was he showing her this? They were ugly, horrifying; but they didn't scare her. They made her remember. The shock on Kaidan's face when they found Kahoku; the disbelief at finding Toombs alive. The memories of a life she'd had before the Normandy. Growing up on Earth, learning how to shoot a gun by the older boys in the gang she ran with. The faces of her team on Akuze. The thresher maw. These were things Cerberus hadn't thought to mention; things that if not for this, she would've forgotten forever.

_I will NOT be made a fool of, by you or anyone else. You will remember me and you will come back and live with me forever, little Shepard. THIS is not who I am._

The face of the man from Horizon was before her; Kaidan Alenko. He was smiling, laughing without a voice. He disappeared.

_Kaidan Alenko is the Staff Lieutenant of the SSV Normandy. He is a biotic with L2 implants that on occasion give him severe migraines. He fell in love with you and has moved on with his life in the Alliance military since your death. I've asked contact with this man to be restricted due to a potential threat to your well-being._

Kaidan Alenko was in love with her? He'd been right about Cerberus' selective recollection, but Shepard without a memory knew better than to trust anyone who didn't trust an alien.

_They're jerks and saints, just like us._

_Don't forget that. _

_Goodnight, little Shepard._

Shepard awoke suddenly, gasping for air like she'd really been under water this whole time. The sudden commotion awoke Garrus, who'd finally lost his battle against sleep in the chair next to her cot. The med bay was cold and reminded him of a prison cell when it was only him, but he wasn't able to leave Shepard's side. After Miranda had carried her onto the shuttle, she'd gone dark in the eyes and refused to move. Miranda had tried desperately to snap her out of it, telling Garrus over and over she'd advised the Illusive Man against contact with Alenko; that she's known this was going to happen. Then the screaming started, screaming to help her; that she was drowning and stuck and she couldn't escape. She struck out suddenly and uncontrollably, hitting Miranda and kicking her in the shoulder. Garrus had to push her down, hold her arms and legs to the ground and fight against her thrashing. Her eyes had been dilated to the point that they were filled with blackness. She was clearly not conscious. When they'd gotten her on board, Mordin had stuck her with a large amount of sedative, dropping her immediately.

"Garrus?" she said, feeling heavy as she tried to sit up and assess a dark room nervously. Garrus felt like he'd been slipped a sedative as well, everything seemed to move slowly.

"I'm here, Kait," he said, reaching out and touching her hand. She relaxed a little.

"I'm sorry for not telling you about… you know," she said, leaning back into her pillow. Garrus was worried he was going to get too used to seeing Shepard so vulnerable.

"I was ashamed of it, and I was hoping it would come back to me sooner or later. Little bits and pieces do, all the time. I'm just waiting on the big picture."

"You're in the big picture, Kait," Garrus replied, thinking of what Miranda had said to him before they touched down on Horizon "This is who you are now, and-"

The med bay doors opened, and a messy-haired Kelly Chambers stepped through. She was in a matching pajama set with little clouds on them, and she looked nervous.

"I'm sorry to burst in, I know you said no one had better bother you or the Commander, but… there's someone on comm looking for you, Garrus. Jacob's been trying to tell him you're not available but he says he's… not interested in lies and he's causing a commotion," she said, attempting to smooth out her hair a little. Garrus sighed. He knew this was coming. He stood, letting Shepard's hand go. She frowned a little.

"I'll be back in a moment, Kait," he said simply.

"This is the first time he's left your side since they brought you in, Commander," Kelly added, in an attempt to offer support.

"Then he's seen enough of my face for a while. I'd like to be in my cabin, if you'd be kind enough to lend me hand, Ms. Chambers," Shepard said, smiling a little at Garrus. He nodded, taking leave of the room as Kelly helped Shepard to her feet.

* * *

"With all due respect, sir, I can't help you. I've told you, Chief Gunnery Officer Garrus Vakarian is not available to take a comm chat with you. If you would like me to let him know you're seeking to speak with him, I can do that."

Garrus stood outside the door of the comm room, listening carefully to the conversation at hand. Jacob sounded like he was straining to keep himself professional, probably a first in his book.

"And with all due respect to you, you little Cerberus punk, I know you're lying to me and if you continue to do so, I will not hesitate to use my power to bring the hammer of the Alliance navy down on you and your insignificant little renegade organization. Give me Vakarian. Now."

Kaidan was a persistent bastard; Garrus had to give him that.

"Look, I don't know who you are and I frankly don't care; but you're not going to speak to anyone acting like a complete-"

Garrus stepped into the room. Jacob turned back to him, Kaidan smirked. He'd gotten his way; the spoiled little brat.

"I'll take this from here, Mr. Taylor; thank you for attempting to spare me this inevitable conversation. Dismissed."

Jacob was more than grateful to leave. Garrus took his place, folding his arms and staring at Kaidan's holographic form. He had the advantage here; Garrus couldn't shoot him if he said anything too stupid.

"Tell me," Kaidan stated, stepping back a little. He seemed to be preparing for something. Garrus wasn't sure what.

"I've already told you what you need to know, Alenko. Why are you clogging the comm line and harassing the crew? What is it you want?"

"Why did she react to me that way? Why didn't they tell her who I am? Do they make it a habit to omit vital information? Perhaps that they're responsible for a lot of evil things?"

"Your first mistake," Garrus said, scratching the side of his face "is thinking you are vital information. Secondly, I don't know why. I didn't know she was alive until she found me fighting for my own life on Omega. And no, they didn't tell her about the things we saw them do. But she doesn't trust them of her own accord. Just because she doesn't remember her life doesn't mean she isn't Shepard."

"It means she's easily molded," he added, mirroring Garrus by folding his arms. Garrus was trying his best not to get angry. How could a man who claimed he loved Shepard act like she was some kind of gullible idiot?

"I'm not letting her be 'molded' by anyone," Garrus replied shortly.

"What exactly is your interest in all this, Vakarian? I know you've always admired the Commander, but she… well, she never paid that much attention to you."

Snap.

"You don't know anything. And my interest in Kaitlyn or her interest in me is absolutely none of your fucking business, Alenko. I think we're done here." Garrus turned his back to Kaidan ,who smirked a little; knowing he'd gotten a rise out of Garrus meant he had won. Garrus held off from hitting the End button.

"And for the record, she said I was better."

Whether that ever got back to Shepard or not, it was worth it. Kaidan looked in a mix of shock and excruciating anger. Who'd really won?

End.

* * *

_Garrus Vakarian is on his way up to your cabin, Commander. Shall I let him in?_

Shepard pulled her nightgown over her head, wincing slightly in pain. There was something about wearing lacey silk that made her feel feminine. Maybe it was because she spent the other 99% of her life in armor. Maybe it was because it just felt soft, and living a life as hard as Shepard's was; she deserved a little softness every once in a while.

"Let him in, EDI," she replied. The door opened, and Garrus stepped through.

"How're you feeling, Commander?" he asked, sounding pre-occupied.

"It's Kaitlyn, Garrus. And I'm fine. How about you? You seem bothered," she wanted to move closer to him, but he willed the distance between them.

"That was Kaidan demanding to speak to me on comm," he said, meeting eyes with her.

"Right. So, tell me. This Kaidan Alenko, he used to like me or something?"

Garrus couldn't help but laugh at that. It was amusing, ironic; he would be the one to tell her how in love she used to be with Kaidan; and how it made him feel then was nothing compared to how it made him feel now.

"Please tell me, Garrus. Cerberus put things in my head I needed to know. But there are things I want to know too."

Her voice was serious. She deserved to know. And who on this ship could tell her better than Garrus? She took a seat on her bed, and he took the chair across from it.

"Well," he began, rubbing the back of his neck "You didn't like him at first, you thought he was pretty uptight. Then you met me, and realized he wasn't so bad in comparison. I think for him it was… what do you humans call it? 'Love at first sight'. Williams used to make fun of him for it when you weren't around. I think she was always a little envious on that front. I guess Alenko wasn't a bad looking human. He was just afraid to act on his feelings, since you were his commanding officer and all. But eventually, he got bolder; and you liked his attention, I suppose. You… spent a night with him. I'm not sure what you did, but I'm sure you can guess."

She didn't need to guess. She remembered. His stern face when she gave him orders, his smile at her playful flirtations. A sharp pain in her head staggered her for a moment. She wasn't supposed to remember him. The figure that haunted her took his form because he was the most important figure in her life. The one that could hurt her the most.

"He was sitting beside me on the shuttle, broke his hand hitting the harness that held us in. He cried. We all did. Except for Wrex, you know Krogans don't have tear-ducts. But I'm sure he would have. Well, maybe not…" Garrus trailed off awkwardly; it must've been hard for him to remember these things.

"The explosion dislodged my oxygen tank. It's funny to think about. I thought I'd die on the field, fighting for my fellow soldiers in some moment of glory, or even just return fire I couldn't avoid. But I died in darkness, choking for breath. I remembered it. It was all I remembered. Why would I only remember how I died? Was it more important than my entire life? More important than remembering someone who loved me? More important than my life on Earth, my tours with the Alliance, anything you've told me? Now, what's in front of me is the most important thing in my life. Saving the colonies, defeating the Collectors, and you."

Garrus looked up at her. He was important? Top three, even. Last night had seemed like forever ago in his head, and she'd been uninterested in even thinking about it until now.

"I don't know how I was before, Garrus. But this is who I am now. And I don't know where I'd be without you. Thank you for taking care of me and keeping my head clear. With you covering my six, I'm confident we can defeat anyone in our path. I want you by my side, Garrus Vakarian."

She got up, moved over until she was only centimeters from him. All of her before him, again tonight. If he was getting another moment, he wasn't letting her get away this time.


	9. Rumor Has It

The truth was, her loss of memory was part of her second chance at life; a second chance to be kinder, to understand gratitude and stop to smell the roses; to see people for who they really were. All she knew of her life before was harshness, the squashing of emotions in the face of weakness to become someone she no longer knew. This moment, standing before the turian she'd met nearly three years ago on the Citadel; it felt more right than anything she'd done in the life she could remember.

"I thought I blew my chance with you already, Kait," Garrus said softly, admiring her form. The smile she gave him would be the picture of her face he'd keep with him forever.

"As long as you don't break my heart, Garrus; I'll always give you another chance."

He stood, closing the space between them, and put his arms around her. His head dipped down and pressed a kiss to the top of hers. She always smelled beautiful, she always was beautiful.

"I don't know if you realize, but your Salarian doctor is quite the busybody; who seems to think we need some education on keeping our bodies busy as well," Garrus picked up a tech-board from the desk.

"He sent me vids. Lots of vids. I actually had to pretend I'd fallen asleep to get him to stop talking about it earlier. Something about… harmful ingestion and chafing; he really had a way of setting the mood."

Shepard laughed, attempting to grasp the board. Garrus held it up out of her reach, stepping back.

"This is highly embarrassing material, Kait. I wouldn't want you to be disappointed before it even happens," he held it up too high for her to reach, but her reaching made her nightgown move up with her. Garrus' eyes widened a little.

"I see you were already planning for something with that little number you've got on," he said with a laugh. She pulled her nightgown down, blushing.

"They're just… what I had to wear and I just kind of grabbed them. Let me see what he sent you! I'm curious as to what I'm getting myself into here. I have a right to be informed, Vakarian," she added, matter-of-factly. She wasn't going to let this go just yet. He frowned, passing her the board and taking a seat next to her on her bed. She began to flip through screens, nodding her head and taking in what she was reading, even laughing a little. Her face turned suddenly. She held on the screen, looking wide-eyed and blushing more deeply than before.

"Oh… wow. Umm… this is… average for turians?" She passed him the board. He looked at it for a moment, rubbing his face.

"That's about right. I mean, as far as an average is concerned. I'm uh… a bit above that standard. I hope that isn't… small for humans…" he replied awkwardly, a little nervous. He handed her back the board. She continued to stare at it. And then up at him. And then in his general region, and then up at him again.

"No, Garrus. It's definitely not small for humans," she finally said, "There's an expression we have for that kind of a thing."

He took a breath, feeling a little relieved by this.

"Oh yeah?"

"Yes. It's called being hung like a horse."

"What is a horse?"

"An animal we used to use for transportation on land. We'd breed them, and so of course we saw them mate with females. They are also… a bit above standard," she answered, with a little smirk. He wasn't playing along.

"Okay, okay; so you're saying it won't be an issue?"

"I'm saying it may, but not for the reason you think. Either way, everyone knows it's not about the size. It's about how you use it," she couldn't help but laugh at the way Garrus was handling this. And at why more females didn't date turians. They were definitely missing out.

"I don't know why in the world you take such great pleasure in watching me squirm," he said, shaking his head a little. She turned her attention back to the board, flipping through a few more pages.

"The next chapter is on… positions," he said, watching over her shoulder. She turned to him, kissing him quickly to try and calm his nerves.

"The only way we'll know how this really works out is to try it," she said, kissing him again. He searched her eyes for any sign of doubt, any frailty that would need him to be stronger than the pull she had on him. For once, she looked like she was just herself. He really hoped she wasn't just trying to be nice about the size thing.

"Okay. Let's try it. Just uh… don't ingest anything of mine. I think that's what Mordin said. Damn, I should've been listening."

"Duly noted, Vakarian, duly noted. Now, come here. I think you have some claims about being better than someone to back up."

"How did you-"

"EDI patched me in to the room," she put the board down and took his face in her hands, bringing it in to hers, "Now why don't you show this cowgirl what your big rodeo is all about?"

"Spirits," he uttered against her lips, "I have no idea what any of that meant, but it definitely sounded sexy."

She was a security he'd never felt before. And though he'd spent his time protecting her from the world around them, she was saving him as well; from himself and all the demons he lived with. Seeing her face looking up at him, giving him all of her trust and love in this moment; he felt as though they were one. No other woman (and it wasn't like he'd been with a terribly large amount to begin with) had ever made this act feel so real, and surreal, at the same time. The little noises she made, every movement and moment when the world felt like it had been carved out to fit only them. He was careful with her, she was breakable in his eyes but not for the same reason as everyone else saw her to be. She was giving him her very heart, and the last thing he could ever dream of doing would be to cause her any kind of harm.

* * *

More than exhausted; completely drained of all energy in his body was a closer figure to how he felt. She was snuggled up against his side and he didn't want her anywhere else. He didn't want this time to end, to be able to separate from everything they had left to do and stay here in her bed together forever.

"I don't think I'm even capable of movement right now," he said; it hurt to breathe.

"I wore you out, huh? Guess that means I win," she sat up on her elbow to smile at him. Out of sheer determination to show her she hadn't, he tried to push himself up and failed. She laughed, and was about to comment when Joker interrupted them.

_Sorry if I'm waking you, Commander; but I just wanted to let you know the Illusive Man is on comm. He wanted to talk to you, but Miranda intercepted it._

"Nobody kills a moment better than this crew," Shepard muttered, rising up and grabbing her clothes.

"What could Miranda be doing?" Garrus asked, keeping his place.

_Tattling on you two, probably._

"Buzz OFF Joker!" Shepard shouted as she plucked through her clothing drawers quickly and changed into a pair of slacks and a tank top.

_Affirmative, Commander. I knew I should've believed the rumors…_

"I'll be back, Garrus. Get some rest." She grabbed her pistol and was out the door

_Is she gone?_ _I want detail, Garrus!_

"In your dreams, Moreau," Garrus replied, managing to turn himself to his side and get comfortable.

* * *

"I've read your reports, Miranda. The Commander is now stable, correct?"

The Illusive Man sat on his regal throne, a massive star the background of his lair. He was attempting to light a cigarette but his lighter was out of fluid.

"You've got another one in the drawer, sir," Miranda said, motioning to his desk. He nodded, getting up slowly to retrieve it.

"But yes, to answer your question. She's stable. She is getting much better. Bringing on Garrus has been a positive attribute to her recovery. A very, very positive attribute," she added quietly, looking sternly at The Illusive Man. He found his lighter, and promptly lit his cigarette; taking a long drag before replying.

"What exactly does that mean?"

"They seem to be getting very close, sir. It's bringing her back," she said, a little defensively.

"I don't want her to have any distractions, Miranda. You're the one who talked me into putting him on the team," he said, taking his seat. He leaned forward on his elbows; the cigarette perched between his index and middle fingers.

"He's not a liability," she said, trying to defend her point "The Commander is unstable and-"

"-is standing right behind you, Lawson."

Miranda spun around to see Shepard, casually dressed, standing right behind her.

"Commander, I was just-" Miranda began, but Shepard shook her head.

"Doing exactly what I thought you were? Get the hell out of here, Lawson," Shepard said, a disgusted look plastered on her face. Miranda knew there was no explaining herself now, so she left the conversation.

"What?" said an irritated Shepard, crossing her arms and turning her frustration to The Illusive Man.

"Well, I'm glad to hear you're speaking again. And leading missions. I apologize for my non-disclosure of Alenko's involvement; but I wanted to see if the Collectors were targeting you or people connected to you," The Illusive Man sat back, taking another drag of his cigarette.

"So, what you're saying is; you're responsible for the lives of those colonists? And my crew? And you put all of these people at risk, for an experiment? They could be dead, I thought you cared about that. Or did you lie about that too?"

"No, Shepard. I care about the welfare of all-"

"-I'm tired of you people and your lies," Shepard had had enough. She ended the call and left the comm room in a huff, passing Miranda in the hall outside.

"Commander, please let me explain!" she called, following Shepard to the elevator.

"Not tonight, Lawson. I'm feeling a little unstable," Shepard replied, shutting the elevator doors in Miranda's face.


End file.
